i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
