??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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