A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
