just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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