but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
