it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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