I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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