So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
