he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
