Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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