My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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