you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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