I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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