I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
