You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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