I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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