I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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