there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
you had me at cake vodka
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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