so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
