Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
