my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
