Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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