coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
