onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
