I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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