remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
