so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
