The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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