I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
