At least make sure they are 18
Why
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
