hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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