No awkward lesbian experiences without me
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
did i walk over a car last night?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
