Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
