two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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