remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize