I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
