I hate all girls vehemently.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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