hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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