elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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