I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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