i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
