What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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