Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
