he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
