My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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