yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
