3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
