you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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