I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
