Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
