i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
