just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
