I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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