This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Randomize