Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
