What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
